i really do fucking miss you.
i really do. i feel it everywhere, it aches the most in my heart.
it's cliche, it's been said before.
i know that we have been together for so long, but it was drowning.
we were just stuck in a comfortable nowhere.
i know i've been selfish and this has been the most selfish thing i have done.
i'm so sorry.
it's been around a month since i heard your voice last.
i hope you're doing ok.
a day doesn't go by where i don't think about that.
i'm sorry it was so abrupt, but this whole back and forth relationship was never going to push forward.
i am growing and i guess you are too, but i couldn't wait any longer.
i never got to see the passion in your eyes, a goal, even a hobby.
i was waiting around hoping that i could help you.
it was such a slow progression and i grew impatient.
i'm so sorry.
i miss you. there's not doubt in that, but i needed to move on.
there's a huge hole; in my stomach, in my heart, in my fucking brain.
i felt you everywhere, you were as much a part of me as i was a part of myself.
i know you never believed in fate, but i always have.
there was a point in time where i knew this was never meant to be.
it hurts because we lost so much of ourselves in each other.
i'm so sorry.
this was the wake up call for you and i to realize that we need to push on with our lives.
we were getting too comfortable.
i'm so sorry.
i loved you. i loved us, but this ending was necessary.
i hope you can realize that sometime soon, but i know you still hate me now.
you were a god-send, but we were going absolutely nowhere.
we enabled the good and the bad in each other.
i feel that i am a healthier, better person now.
i hope you can find that in yourself to realize it too.
i wish i could say this to you, but it would make me fall back into wanting to be with you.
i hope this experience made you a stronger, wiser person.
i fucking miss you and i'm so fucking sorry, but this was just something that needed to end.
this hole that i feel in myself must mend itself, for myself, by myself.
i feel the the solace in being alone.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
REBELrebellion
“Live life more intensely. Be more passionate, fiery, tender. Achieve this, and your own life will be more meaningful, more full, more profound.”
Enda Duffy
This was presented in our syllabus in the beginning of the quarter. Professor Duffy wanted us to find what is presented above through the literature in class. The main topic I highly was attracted to was rebellion. Rebellion is given somewhat of a bad rep, but when we take advantage of our own lives and live it in our own accordance, life can be that much more meaningful. We can find our own identity and live our lives intensely. Through the songs, passages and movie scene that was presented, the studies I found to support rebellion as a means to find self-identity showed that it can be correlational. Finding an identity is an important aspect of life and by rebelling against a dull life, it can push us to new places that makes us truly test ourselves in different experiences. Rebelling against the social structure during emerging adulthood can shape ourselves to push us to show what we are truly capable of being and thus capable of doing when we are presented with life situations. Through rebellion we can live life more intensely, be more passionate, fiery, tender and make life more meaningful, full and more profound.
It all makes sense, literature can suggest living a life more intensely by focusing on the high points, on the turning points where life changes. Through literature, we can be enriched and build our own guidelines for how our own lives are meant to be lived. Rebellion, presented through Jane Eyre and Robinson Crusoe, Almost Famous, Trainspotting and the songs show us that an unconventional lifestyle can be lived in order to give more meaning to a dull, middle class, confined lifestyle.
Life is full of adventure, we must rebel against social construction and make our own life.
We must not be boring. We must write our own stories by living out our lives out of the middle class.
Enda Duffy
This was presented in our syllabus in the beginning of the quarter. Professor Duffy wanted us to find what is presented above through the literature in class. The main topic I highly was attracted to was rebellion. Rebellion is given somewhat of a bad rep, but when we take advantage of our own lives and live it in our own accordance, life can be that much more meaningful. We can find our own identity and live our lives intensely. Through the songs, passages and movie scene that was presented, the studies I found to support rebellion as a means to find self-identity showed that it can be correlational. Finding an identity is an important aspect of life and by rebelling against a dull life, it can push us to new places that makes us truly test ourselves in different experiences. Rebelling against the social structure during emerging adulthood can shape ourselves to push us to show what we are truly capable of being and thus capable of doing when we are presented with life situations. Through rebellion we can live life more intensely, be more passionate, fiery, tender and make life more meaningful, full and more profound.
It all makes sense, literature can suggest living a life more intensely by focusing on the high points, on the turning points where life changes. Through literature, we can be enriched and build our own guidelines for how our own lives are meant to be lived. Rebellion, presented through Jane Eyre and Robinson Crusoe, Almost Famous, Trainspotting and the songs show us that an unconventional lifestyle can be lived in order to give more meaning to a dull, middle class, confined lifestyle.
Life is full of adventure, we must rebel against social construction and make our own life.
We must not be boring. We must write our own stories by living out our lives out of the middle class.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
stuck
I haven't written in a while to express my thoughts. What are my thoughts, exactly? I fear that if I let this go I'll never find someone that loves me as much as he does. Is that pathetic? I need air, I need space of my own, but he won't let me. He says he will never let me go. Not that easily. I know that is what I could ever want, but I don't want it. Just not yet. It's terrible to be presented with a great opportunity, but then you realize it just isn't the right time in your life. I am perplexed. I need time on my own to dip my toes in the water. He counts the days that he gets to see me and the days we have only seen each other in the past few months. I am exhausted. I can't give him what he wants, and he won't let me leave. What if this turns into some kind of misery business? Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. He loves me and gives me way more than I could ever give to him. I love him, but not the way he loves me. It tears me apart, it brings me down to a low.
What do I do? I've been mean, I've been sad, I've been tough enough to tell him how I feel. He refuses to believe it and will stand being miserable to stay with me. This is torturous to my soul and I'm sure his as well.
It's one of those times where I just want to sit and cry. Cry till I am even more exhausted than I am now. He treats me like a princess, gives me anything and everything I could ever want. I'm just not ready for this yet. It is not my time right now to be going through this situation, but he won't let me leave. I fear he will never let me leave. He wants to possess me and blind me from the outside world so that I will stay with him. I fear that even though I know the other side he will blind me from the outside world and make me stay. I am unhappy. I am sad. I am not content. But he won't let me leave. He needs this more than I do and I will suffer. I will become blinded to everything else till I am possessed and I am too weak to leave him. He just won't allow it. Here I go. I fear that I may become stuck and I won't know how to escape till it's too late.
Love will tear us apart, again.
What do I do? I've been mean, I've been sad, I've been tough enough to tell him how I feel. He refuses to believe it and will stand being miserable to stay with me. This is torturous to my soul and I'm sure his as well.
It's one of those times where I just want to sit and cry. Cry till I am even more exhausted than I am now. He treats me like a princess, gives me anything and everything I could ever want. I'm just not ready for this yet. It is not my time right now to be going through this situation, but he won't let me leave. I fear he will never let me leave. He wants to possess me and blind me from the outside world so that I will stay with him. I fear that even though I know the other side he will blind me from the outside world and make me stay. I am unhappy. I am sad. I am not content. But he won't let me leave. He needs this more than I do and I will suffer. I will become blinded to everything else till I am possessed and I am too weak to leave him. He just won't allow it. Here I go. I fear that I may become stuck and I won't know how to escape till it's too late.
Love will tear us apart, again.
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