Sometimes

Sometimes I say too much. Sometimes I say it just for the effect, but there is still some hint of truth behind it. Sometimes I get drunk to be able to say what I need to say and blame it on the alcohol the next day. Sometimes I want to yell out what I feel. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I push it aside. Sometimes I truly mean it, but you don't respond. So I'll just go and repress how I really feel so I won't feel defeated. These 'sometimes' overrule my life.

GUTS

Life is full of decisions and every time you legitimize a decision you hope to God that you made the right choice. Deciding on a choice most of the time is next to impossible, but you go for that initial gut feeling. You go for what you think is right, or as close to possible as right. I hope I'm making a right decision. I hope it's leading me to the next step of the bigger picture of my life.

Things

Things are changing and I have to learn to accept it. Whether it be my doing, or somebody else's, I have to learn to accept it. This is all about acceptance. Maybe the choices I make or have made may not be directing me in the right path, but I have to trust in myself that what these choices were made not just to better myself, but to benefit the others around. Things change. Things ALWAYS change. I choose to be fluid; moving in alignment with my day to day being. Things change.

lonely solace

i really do fucking miss you.
i really do. i feel it everywhere, it aches the most in my heart.
it's cliche, it's been said before.
i know that we have been together for so long, but it was drowning.
we were just stuck in a comfortable nowhere.
i know i've been selfish and this has been the most selfish thing i have done.
i'm so sorry.
it's been around a month since i heard your voice last.
i hope you're doing ok.
a day doesn't go by where i don't think about that.
i'm sorry it was so abrupt, but this whole back and forth relationship was never going to push forward.
i am growing and i guess you are too, but i couldn't wait any longer.
i never got to see the passion in your eyes, a goal, even a hobby.
i was waiting around hoping that i could help you.
it was such a slow progression and i grew impatient.
i'm so sorry.
i miss you. there's not doubt in that, but i needed to move on.
there's a huge hole; in my stomach, in my heart, in my fucking brain.
i felt you everywhere, you were as much a part of me as i was a part of myself.
i know you never believed in fate, but i always have.
there was a point in time where i knew this was never meant to be.
it hurts because we lost so much of ourselves in each other.
i'm so sorry.
this was the wake up call for you and i to realize that we need to push on with our lives.
we were getting too comfortable.
i'm so sorry.
i loved you. i loved us, but this ending was necessary.
i hope you can realize that sometime soon, but i know you still hate me now.
you were a god-send, but we were going absolutely nowhere.
we enabled the good and the bad in each other.
i feel that i am a healthier, better person now.
i hope you can find that in yourself to realize it too.
i wish i could say this to you, but it would make me fall back into wanting to be with you.
i hope this experience made you a stronger, wiser person.
i fucking miss you and i'm so fucking sorry, but this was just something that needed to end.
this hole that i feel in myself must mend itself, for myself, by myself.
i feel the the solace in being alone.

The Sand Beneath Our Feet

Isla Vista, Ca.

around

REBELrebellion

“Live life more intensely. Be more passionate, fiery, tender. Achieve this, and your own life will be more meaningful, more full, more profound.”

Enda Duffy

This was presented in our syllabus in the beginning of the quarter. Professor Duffy wanted us to find what is presented above through the literature in class. The main topic I highly was attracted to was rebellion. Rebellion is given somewhat of a bad rep, but when we take advantage of our own lives and live it in our own accordance, life can be that much more meaningful. We can find our own identity and live our lives intensely. Through the songs, passages and movie scene that was presented, the studies I found to support rebellion as a means to find self-identity showed that it can be correlational. Finding an identity is an important aspect of life and by rebelling against a dull life, it can push us to new places that makes us truly test ourselves in different experiences. Rebelling against the social structure during emerging adulthood can shape ourselves to push us to show what we are truly capable of being and thus capable of doing when we are presented with life situations. Through rebellion we can live life more intensely, be more passionate, fiery, tender and make life more meaningful, full and more profound.

It all makes sense, literature can suggest living a life more intensely by focusing on the high points, on the turning points where life changes. Through literature, we can be enriched and build our own guidelines for how our own lives are meant to be lived. Rebellion, presented through Jane Eyre and Robinson Crusoe, Almost Famous, Trainspotting and the songs show us that an unconventional lifestyle can be lived in order to give more meaning to a dull, middle class, confined lifestyle.
Life is full of adventure, we must rebel against social construction and make our own life.
We must not be boring. We must write our own stories by living out our lives out of the middle class.