I haven't written in a while to express my thoughts. What are my thoughts, exactly? I fear that if I let this go I'll never find someone that loves me as much as he does. Is that pathetic? I need air, I need space of my own, but he won't let me. He says he will never let me go. Not that easily. I know that is what I could ever want, but I don't want it. Just not yet. It's terrible to be presented with a great opportunity, but then you realize it just isn't the right time in your life. I am perplexed. I need time on my own to dip my toes in the water. He counts the days that he gets to see me and the days we have only seen each other in the past few months. I am exhausted. I can't give him what he wants, and he won't let me leave. What if this turns into some kind of misery business? Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. He loves me and gives me way more than I could ever give to him. I love him, but not the way he loves me. It tears me apart, it brings me down to a low.
What do I do? I've been mean, I've been sad, I've been tough enough to tell him how I feel. He refuses to believe it and will stand being miserable to stay with me. This is torturous to my soul and I'm sure his as well.
It's one of those times where I just want to sit and cry. Cry till I am even more exhausted than I am now. He treats me like a princess, gives me anything and everything I could ever want. I'm just not ready for this yet. It is not my time right now to be going through this situation, but he won't let me leave. I fear he will never let me leave. He wants to possess me and blind me from the outside world so that I will stay with him. I fear that even though I know the other side he will blind me from the outside world and make me stay. I am unhappy. I am sad. I am not content. But he won't let me leave. He needs this more than I do and I will suffer. I will become blinded to everything else till I am possessed and I am too weak to leave him. He just won't allow it. Here I go. I fear that I may become stuck and I won't know how to escape till it's too late.
Love will tear us apart, again.
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